Should've Been Mine
by Ja495ck
Summary: Inspired by SevFanFictions's "A Beleaguered Life" and iamthepinkukulele's "Almost Always." What Harry sees when he looks in Snape's Pensieve, 5th year, according to the "Almost Always"-verse. Heavy Marauders and Lily bashing. Rated M for swearing and abortion.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by SevFanFictions's "A Beleaguered Life" and iamthepinkukulele's "Almost Always." Some pieces taken directly from these and ****_Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Snape's Worst Memory. _****Heavy**** Marauders and Lily bashing. Story contains abortion. I'm not advertising beliefs to one side or the other; it's just a story.**

Harry gazed at the Pensieve, curiosity welling inside him. . . . What was it that Snape was so keen to hide from Harry?

The silvery lights shivered on the wall. . . . Harry took two steps toward the desk, thinking hard. Could it possibly be information about the Department of Mysteries that Snape was determined to keep from him?

Harry looked over his shoulder, his heart now pumping harder and faster than ever. How long would it take Snape to release Montague from the toilet? Would he come straight back to his office afterward, or accompany Montague to the hospital wing? Surely the latter. . . . Montague was Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team, Snape would want to make sure he was all right. . . .

Harry walked the remaining few feet to the Pensieve and stood over it, gazing into its depths. He hesitated, listening, then pulled out his wand again. The office and the corridor beyond were completely silent. He gave the contents of the Pensieve a small prod with the end of his wand.

The silvery stuff within began to swirl very fast. Harry leaned forward over it and saw that it had become transparent. He was, once again, looking down into a room as though through a circular window in the ceiling. . . . In fact, unless he was much mistaken, he was looking down upon one of the rooms in Hogwarts's dungeons. . . .

His breath was actually fogging the surface of Snape's thoughts. . . . His brain seemed to be in limbo. . . . It would be insane to do the thing that he was so strongly tempted to do. . . . He was trembling. . . . Snape could be back at any moment. . . but Harry thought of Cho's anger, of Malfoy's jeering face, and reckless daring seized him.

He took a great gulp of breath and plunged his face into the surface of Snape's thoughts. At once, the floor of the office lurched, tipping Harry headfirst into the Pensieve. . . .

He was falling through cold blackness, spinning furiously as he went, and then-


	2. Chapter 2

He was standing in the middle of the potions classroom, but all the jars of dead things and the horrifying posters of injuries that could result from a botched potion were gone. In fact, the room was rather light and airy, or at least as light and airy as a stone room so far underground could be.

Only one other person was there. Surely it was Snape. . . . This was _his _memory. . . .

And it was. Harry stared. Snape-the-teenager had a stringy, pallid look about him, like a plant kept in the dark. His hair was lank and greasy, tied back into a low ponytail so that it wouldn't fall into the cauldron of the potion he was working on. Every once in a while he would swivel in his chair to take notes, his hooked nose barely half an inch from the surface of the parchment as he scribbled. Harry moved around behind Snape to read over his shoulder. As he suspected, the potion was far too advanced for the notes to make any sense to him, and the fact that the writing was minuscule and cramped didn't help either.

The door banged open, and Harry spun around. "I have this room reserved," said Snape disinterestedly, not looking up from his cauldron.

The frightened girl who stood there had thick, shoulder-length dark red hair that fell in her face as she looked down with startlingly green almond-shaped eyes- Harry's eyes.

Harry's mother. . .

"Sev?" she asked in a shaking voice, crossing her arms to ward off the dungeons' chill. Snape spun around so fast that the cauldron toppled over, spilling its contents onto the floor. He leaped away with a startled curse, then, flushing, took out his wand to banish it away. When he turned to face her again, the color in his cheeks only darkened, and he couldn't seem to look at her.

"Yes, Lily?" His voice cracked embarrassingly, and he ducked his head again. When she let out a choked sob, all awkwardness was forgotten. Snape looked up at her in near panic, and immediately approached, his arms outstretched in a wordless offer of a hug. After some hesitation, she accepted, shaking, crying into the front of his robes. Torn between concern for the girl, and giddiness at her touch, the boy cautiously lifted a hand from her shoulder blade to stroke her hair. "Lily, what's wrong?"

Through her wailing sobs, Harry was able to discern the occasional "it's not fair," "I can't believe it," "why," etcetera, without getting any closer to what the problem was.

Finally, Lily stepped back, taking the offered handkerchief. She couldn't seem to look at the boy who had spent the last twenty minutes or so comforting her. Snape lifted her chin, stroking her tears away with a thumb. "Lily? Tell me." Harry was stunned at how gentle his despised teacher could sound.

She bit her lip and looked away. "S-Severus, do you remember that night, by the lake?"

Severus- Harry couldn't reconcile that kind, awkward boy as Snape- got a wide, goofy grin on his face, his cheeks pinking again. "Of course."

Now Harry _really _couldn't bear to think of him as Snape.

"Well, I might be- I mean I am, because I went to St. Mungos. . ." Severus reached for her hands to rub them with his thumbs, silently encouraging her. Finally she looked at him. "I'm pregnant, Sev."

Severus just looked stunned for a moment, then a shy, delighted smile spread slowly over his face. Lily didn't seem to notice.

"And it's all because we got drunk, and were being stupid. J-just drunk and silly and stupid. . . None of that was supposed to happen! Just- _why? _It's not _fair!"_

"Lily, I-I know it's hardly an ideal situation, b-but you are _so _wonderful, you'd make such a fantastic mum. . . I care about you so much. . . M-maybe this isn't such a bad thing."

Lily stared at him in shock. "What do you mean? Of course it's a bad thing! We're barely sixteen! We're not even dating!"

"But we're best friends! I-I. . . I mean, there's so many worse things that could happen."

Lily pulled her hands away, visibly struggling to hold down a sense of panic. "What are you talking about?"

"I. . . care about you, care _for _you, so much it almost _hurts_ sometimes, and the thought of a _baby. . ." _The boy gave a blissful sigh. Though he didn't want to think about how this was his mum and _Snape, _Harry sympathized. A baby meant _family, _family who _loved _you, no matter what.

Lily looked stricken. "Oh, Sev. . . B-but Severus, we were drunk, we were out of it, we didn't mean for this to happen." Severus remained silent, an expression of embarrassment flashing across his face for a moment. "I would have to drop out of school; my education would have been all for nothing. We haven't even finished fifth year, I wouldn't be able to get any kind of job. . . and how do you think my parents would react? _Your _parents? I mean, we're so young, how are we supposed to raise a child? I'm not ready to have a baby!"

_"Please, _Lily! _I _could drop out, get a job at the apothecary or work for Madam Pomphrey or something; I could write a book, improving all those crap-potions in the textbooks, and the spells I've come up with. . . You could still take classes, and floo over in the evenings. You're strong; we'd get through it, have a little family. . . _Please!"_

She shook her head. "Severus, you don't understand. I-I don't think I can. People will say things. I'll blow up like a balloon. And boys will never look at me the same."

"Who cares?" Severus sobbed. "They're all stupid, they don't matter! I'll be there for you the whole time! I'll protect both of you! I won't think less of you. . . being connected to you by a baby, a baby with your eyes. . . I-it's the most wonderful thing I can think of! I'll stand by you! I'll _always _stand by you! _Please!"_

Lily gave a watery, wobbly smile and put out her pinky. "Always?"

Severus choked a laugh and curled his pinky around hers. "Always."


	3. Chapter 3

White mist swirled around Harry for a moment, and his surroundings changed. He was standing in the middle of the Great Hall, but the four House tables were gone.

Instead there were more than a hundred smaller tables, all facing the same way, at each of which sat a student, head bent low, scribbling on a roll of parchment. The only sound was the scratching of quills and the occasional rustle as somebody adjusted their parchment. It was clearly exam time.

Severus was crouched low over his table behind Harry in his typical writing posture, his hair worn loose today, flopping onto the table. Harry moved to read over his shoulder.

DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS-

ORDINARY WIZARDING LEVEL

Severus's hand was flying across the parchment; he had written at least a foot more than his closest neighbors, still in that cramped, tiny script.

"Five more minutes!"

The voice made Harry jump; turning, he say the top of Professor Flitwick's head moving between the desks a short distance away. Professor Flitwick was walking past a boy with untidy black hair. . . very untidy black hair. . .

Harry moved so quickly that, had he been solid, he would have knocked desks flying. Instead he seemed to slid dreamlike, across two aisles and up a third. The back of the black haired boy's head drew nearer and nearer. . . He was straightening up now, putting down his quill, pulling his roll of parchment toward him so as to reread what he had written. . .

Harry stopped in front of the desk and gazed down at his sixteen-year-old father.

Excitement exploded in the pit of his stomach: It was as though he was looking at himself but with deliberate mistakes. James's eyes were hazel, his nose was slightly longer than Harry's, there was no scar on his forehead, and James was much taller, but then again, who wasn't? They had the same thin face, same mouth, same eyebrows. James's hair stuck up at the back exactly as Harry's did, and his hands could have been Harry's.

James yawned hugely and rumpled up his hair, making it even messier than it had been. Then, with a glance toward Professor Flitwick, he turned in his seat and grinned at a boy sitting four seats behind him.

With another shock of excitement, Harry saw Sirius give James the thumbs-up. Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. He was very good-looking; his dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James's nor Harry's could ever have achieved, and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully, though he didn't seem to have noticed. And two seats along from this girl- Harry's stomach gave another pleasurable squirm- was Remus Lupin. He looked rather pale and peaky (was the full moon approaching?) and was absorbed in the exam: As he reread his answers he scratched his chin with the end of his quill, frowning slightly.

So that meant Wormtail had to be around here somewhere too. . . and sure enough, Harry spotted him within seconds: a small, mousy-haired boy with a pointed nose. Wormtail looked anxious; he was chewing his fingernails, staring down at his paper, scuffing the ground with his toes. Every now and then he glanced hopefully at his neighbor's paper. Harry stared at Wormtail for a moment, then back at James, who was now doodling on a bit of scrap parchment. He had drawn a Snitch and was now tracing the letters L. E. What did they stand for?

"Quills down, please!" squeaked Professor Flitwick. "That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment! _Accio!"_

More than a hundred rolls of parchment zoomed into the air and into Professor Flitwick's outstretched arms, knocking him backward off his feet. Several people laughed. A couple of students at the front desks got up, took hold of Professor Flitwick beneath the elbows, and lifted him onto his feet again.

"Thank you. . . thank you," panted Professor Flitwick. "Very well, everybody, you're free to go!"

Harry looked down at his father, who had hastily crossed out the L. E. he had been embellishing, jumped to his feet, stuffed his quill and the exam question paper into his bag, which he slung over his back, and stood waiting for Sirius to join him.

Harry looked around and glimpsed Severus a short way away, moving between the tables toward the doors into the entrance hall, still absorbed in his own examination paper. Up and walking, Harry noticed how he was round-shouldered yet angular, and his gait was twitchy, recalling a spider, his oily hair swinging about his face.

A gang of chattering girls, which included Lily, separated Severus from James and Sirius. By planting himself in the midst of this group, Harry managed to keep an eye on all of them.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.

"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "'Give five signs that identify the werewolf.' Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern.

"Think I did," said Lupin a touch too seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin. . ."

Wormtail was the only one who didn't laugh.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail," he said anxiously, "but I couldn't think what else-"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" said James impatiently. "You run 'round with a werewolf once a month-"

"Keep your voice down," implored Lupin.

Harry looked anxiously behind him again. Severus remained close by, still buried in his examination questions; but this was Severus's memory, and Harry was sure that if Snape chose to wander off in a different direction once outside in the grounds, he, Harry, would not be able to follow James any farther. To his intense relief, however, when James and his three friends strode off down the lawn toward the lake, Snape followed, still poring over the paper and apparently with no fixed idea of where he was going. By jogging a little ahead of him, Harry managed to maintain a close watch on James and the others.

"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," he heard Sirius say. "I'll be surprised if I don't get Outstanding on it at least."

"Me too," said James. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," said James casually. He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as a foot away and seizing it again; his reflexes were excellent. Wormtail watched him in awe.

They stopped in the shade of the very same beech tree on the edge of the lake where Harry, Ron, and Hermione had spent a Sunday finishing their homework, and threw themselves down on the grass.

Harry looked over his shoulder yet again and saw, to his delight, that Severus had settled himself on the grass in the dense shadows of a clump of bushes. He was as deeply immersed in the O.W.L paper as ever, which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree.

The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which Lily's group friends were laughing, sitting with shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water.

Lupin had pulled out a book and was reading. Sirius stared around at the students milling over the grass, looking rather haughty and bored, but very handsomely so. James was still playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom farther and farther away, almost escaping but always grabbed at the last second. Wormtail was watching him with his mouth open. Every time James made a particularly difficult catch, Wormtail gasped and applauded. After five minutes of this, Harry wondered why James didn't tell Wormtail to get a grip on himself, but James seemed to be enjoying the attention. Harry noticed his father had a habit of rumpling up his hair as though to make sure it did not get too tidy, and also that he kept looking over at the girls by the water's edge.

"Put that away, will you?" said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."

Wormtail turned slightly pink but James grinned.

"If it bothers you," he said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket. Harry had the distinct impression that Sirius was the only one for whom James would have stopped showing off.

"I'm bored," said Sirius. "Wish it was full moon."

"You might," said darkly from behind his book. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. . . . Here." He held out his book.

Sirius snorted. "I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," said James quietly. "Look who it is. . . ."

Sirius's head turned. He had become very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.

"Excellent," he said softly. _"Snivellus."_

Harry turned to see what Sirius was looking at.

Severus was on his feet again, and was stowing the O.W.L. paper in his bag. As he emerged from the shadows of the bushes and set off across the grass, Sirius and James stood up. Lupin and Wormtail remained sitting: Lupin was still staring down at his book, though his eyes were not moving and a faint frown line had appeared between his eyebrows. Wormtail was looking from Sirius and James to Severus with a look of avid anticipation on his face.

"All right, Snivellus?" said James loudly.

Severus froze, flicked his wrist to make his wand slip out of his sleeve and into his hand. Not looking back, but tense enough that Harry knew he was completely prepared to react, he called in forced nonchalance, "Piss off, Potter, I'm not in the mood."

"Ooooo, Snivelly's not in the _moo-ood," _Sirius mocked.

Severus spun around, his wand trained on the duo. "Piss _off, _Black," he started to say, but James cut him off, shouting, _"Expelliarmus!"_

Severus's wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

_"Impedimenta!" _he said, pointing his wand at Severus, who was knocked off his feet, halfway through a dive toward his own fallen wand.

Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had gotten to their feet and were edging nearer to watch. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.

Severus lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands up, James glancing over his shoulder at the girls at the water's edge as he went. Wormtail was on his feet now, watching hungrily, edging around Lupin to get a clearer view.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" said James.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said Sirius viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several people watching laughed; Severus was clearly unpopular.

Wormtail sniggered shrilly. Severus was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

"You- wait," he panted, staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing. "You- wait. . ."

"Wait for what?" said Sirius coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

"Sectum-fucking-sempra-gryffindor-cock-sucking-confrigo-conjunctiva-mother-fuckers," Severus sputtered incoherently, but his wand being ten feet away nothing happened.

"Wash out your mouth," said James coldly. _"Scourgify!"_

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Severus's mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him-

"Leave him ALONE!"

James and Sirius looked around. James's free hand jumped to his hair again.

It was Lily.

"All right, Evans?" said James, and the tone of his voice was suddenly pleasant, deeper, more mature.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," said James, appearing to deliberate the point, "it's more the fact that he _exists, _if you know what I mean. . . ."

Many of the surrounding watchers laughed, Sirius and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and neither did Lily.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone."_

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," said James quickly. "Go on. . . Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Behind him, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. Severus was beginning to inch toward his fallen wand, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

"Bad luck, Prongs," said Sirius briskly, turning back to Severus. "OY!"

But too late; Severus had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James's face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about; a second flash of light later, Severus was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of graying underpants.

Many people in the small crowd watching cheered. Sirius, James, and Wormtail roared with laughter.

Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, "Let him down!"

"Certainly," said James and he jerked his wand upward. Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes, he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius said, _"Locomotor mortis!"_ and Severus keeled over again at once, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighed deeply, then turned to Severus and muttered the countercurse.

"There you go," he said, as Severus struggled to his feet again, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

"I don't need help from a stupid _girl!"_

Lily shot her. . . friend. . . a withering glare. _"You're _stupid," she retorted. Then she sighed, "Fine, whatever," and stalked off, leaving him to the mercy of his tormentors.

As soon as she was out of sight, they smirked. There was another flash of light, and Severus was once again hanging upside down in the air.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" James asked excitedly.

Severus tried desperately to reach his wand that was right below him in the grass, but Sirius grabbed it instead and began twirling it in his hands.

"Let's do it with his own wand," he jeered. Feeling sick, Harry tried to look away, but the Pensieve wouldn't let him. Neither did he know how to get himself out. _Stupid, stupid, stupid. . ._

Helpless to do anything else, Harry kept his eyes locked on Severus's face as the two Marauders slowly slid the future teacher's underwear off. Severus's eyes were shut tight, the long, dark lashes suspiciously damp (though no tears fell), his teeth clenched and his fists balled up until the knuckles were stark white.

The onlookers laughed and cheered; James and Sirius doubled over in hysterics. Lily was long gone.


	4. Chapter 4

The scene changed again.

Severus was bouncing from foot to foot outside the Charms classroom. Harry looked up at the clock on the wall. About a minute before the last class of the day got out.

The bell rang, students pouring out of the class. Lily came out, surrounded by her typical group of friends. A look of terror crossed her face as she caught sight of him, and hurriedly turned her head away in a futile attempt to avoid being seen.

Harry cringed as the boy beamed and started after her. She walked faster, but gave up and slowed when he called her name. "Hey, Lily," he said cheerfully as he fell into step beside her. "How are you feeling? Do you need me to brew anything for you? I was reading in the library about these potions that can help with morn-"

She cut him off with an irritated, shushing hiss. "I'm _fine, _Sev."

Severus blinked at her angry tone, then brushed it off. "Oh, well I suppose that's good. I'm glad you're feeling well."

"Yes." She wouldn't look at him, her eyes on the floor.

The boy swallowed awkwardly, but pressed on, "So, how was your weekend? I didn't see you around the castle."

"Uh, yeah. I went… home for a bit."

"Oh, that's nice. Did you… did you tell your parents?" He stepped around her, trying to get her to look him in the eyes.

"Um, no." She bit her bottom lip and shifted her eyes to the ceiling.

"Right, well I suppose you probably want me there when you do that, huh?" He smiled at her. She finally looked at him, and smiled weakly back. He started to put his hand on Lily's stomach. "And how's our little-"

She flinched away quickly and sped up. "I-I took care of it, Sev."

Confusion spread over his face. "What?" He ran after her, grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face him. "Lily, what did you do?"

"Let go of me!" She pushed him away and started walking away again.

"You "took care of it"?" He trailed after her.

"I had a change of heart." She didn't even turn her head towards him.

"What?" He stopped walking.

Lily also stopped and turned around to face him. "I mean, we're so young, and I think we were really just romanticizing the whole thing. It was never going to work, we were being naive. But now we don't have to worry about it…" Her eyes returned to the ground.

"What does that _mean_, Lily?"

"I went to the muggle world, and…" She started to tear up a bit, but gulped back her sadness. "I got an abortion."

Severus got a dead look in his eyes. Harry's heart broke with him, even if he was Snape, even if _she _was his mother, as the tears started to fall.

Lily prattled on, oblivious. "It's quite common there, no one suspected anything. I'm fine, you're fine, we don't have to worry about this whole thing anymore. The nightmare is over." She started to leave towards another corridor.

Severus began to yell. "You've got some nerve springing this on me after not speaking to me for weeks! I had to skip class just to talk to you!" His expression was livid.

Lily made a loud noise of disapproval. "You called me _stupid,_ Severus!"

"I _apologized! _And you knew _very well _I didn't mean it, what they were doing to me! You know what people call me now? Huh? _'Ratty-Tatty-Grey-Shorts'!"_

"No, Sev! You're not going to put this on me. You've no one to blame but yourself!"

"But you hadn't been speaking to me since before I called you stupid," Severus shot in quickly.

"That well— that's different," she faltered, slightly taken aback.

"Why were you avoiding me, Lily?" asked Severus, staring into her eyes with such intensity she looked away.

"I don't know," she answered meekly.

"Bollocks!" he cried, his temper flaring ever higher. "I won't accept that ans—"

"Because I was disgusted with myself and I couldn't look at you!" She blurted, tears welling in her eyes. "There, are you happy?" She asked wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"'Happy?'" he growled dangerously. "Of course I'm not _'happy'! _The best night of my life apparently _disgusted you, _you _lied _to me, you _led me on, and you took away my one chance at a happy family!"_

She stopped again and stomped toward Severus. "Severus, it never _was _your family! That night was an accident, it never should have happened!" She was just inches from his face now, and fuming.

He shook his head in disbelief. "How could you say that?"

"I was drunk, you know that. We were both drunk and we did something stupid."

Snape looked straight at her. "Lily, I wasn't drunk."

"Wha…" She backed away, her expression turning to icy rage. "Y-you. . . You took advantage of me?!"

"You said, 'Drunken words are sober thoughts', so I thought. . . I thought you loved me too. . ."

"Oh, Severus…" She put her hands over her mouth, embarrassed.

"No, no I understand." He began to briskly walk away from her, his cloak trailing behind him.

Lily ran after him. "Severus, you are the most wonderful wizard I know, but I would never want to ruin our friendship by-"

"Just leave me alone, Lily."

She grabbed onto his shoulder. "Severus please just listen to me-"

Severus turned swiftly and slapped her hand off his shoulder, tears streaming down his face. "Don't _touch _me, you _filthy Mudblood!"_ The despair-choked words echoed through the empty halls.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry found himself in one of the bathrooms at Hogwarts. Severus sat on the floor, in trousers and a threadbare white dress-shirt, robes cast off behind him. Harry could tell a great deal of time had passed, for Severus seemed to have lost a great deal of weight, weight he couldn't afford to lose. Where before he had been unusually skinny, now he was positively skeletal.

The dark mark stood out, black and ugly, against his sickly pale skin, surrounded by even, structured cuts which were obviously self-inflicted. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were ringed from exhaustion, and tears slid down his face. He had a blade, torn out of a muggle razor, in his right hand.

Harry watched as he dug at the dark mark with the blade, desperately trying to cut out the dark mark. Enormous amounts of blood pooling around him, his hand growing shakier with each attempt, Severus sobbed harder and harder. Finally he passed out. The mark remained.

The Pensieve darkened, then brightened again as Severus regained consciousness. With flicks of his wand, he healed his cuts and vanished the blood, pulled on his robes, and downed a blood replenisher from his pocket, all with a cold, numb detachment. Shakily he stood, supporting himself on the wall, and stumbled out the door, into the corridor.

He made his way out to the grounds, then stopped dead. James sat, his back against a tree, with a noticeably pregnant Lily between his legs, leaning against him, her back against his chest. Lily's girl friends crowded around, each fighting for a spot on her belly to lay a hand on. The rest of the Marauders sat beside James, Sirius flirting with Lily's friends, Lupin reading, and Wormtail trying to look like part of the group.

Sirius broke off as he caught sight of Severus. "Oi, looks like Snivellus has been sniveling!" The lot, minus Lupin, who just hid in his book, and Lily, looking remarkably like Aunt Petunia with her look of horrified revulsion, roared with laughter.

Severus ignored them, just stared at Lily's swollen belly, his expression twisted in ugly rage and hurt. "You _fucking liar," _he spat. "Two _fucking _years and you suddenly don't care what people say about you? Are suddenly ready to have a baby?" She raised a haughty brow, as though she didn't know what he was talking about, and this cruel denial made him abandon whatever he was about to add, cry out like a wounded animal and run away. When he was just steps from the door, James sent a tripping hex at his back, making him smash his face, _hard, _into the stone brick wall, and lose consciousness again, laughter echoing as the surroundings darkened.


	6. Chapter 6

Snape, for he was just four or five years younger than the real one outside of the Pensieve, sat writing at a battered desk. His posture had improved remarkably over the years, but clearly his emotional state had not; his expression was incredibly pained. Harry read over his shoulder again.

_Dearest Lily,_

_I know I write these letters all of the time, and that they will never get to you… but I write them anyway, because I need to. I met your son today. You have no idea how painful that was. It led me to wonder what our baby would have looked like. He has your eyes, Lily. But of course you know that._

_This boy, he seems so like his father. And I know that no matter what color his eyes are, I will always begrudge him. He is the reason you are dead. If we had had our child, you would still be here with me. Of course I don't blame you, but if you had just stayed with me, stayed with our child… Oh Lily, the thought of what could have happened haunts me to no end._

_I heard that song on the radio recently. The one you used to hum. I recognized it almost instantly, but I had never heard the words. "Let the sun shine, let the sunshine in." It was a nice message, but I'll always prefer your voice humming it over any choir of voices. I like to think that you sent the song to me, to remind me to that it's okay to be happy. That is nearly impossible now, but I'd want to pretend you're somehow looking out for me, despite everything that happened between us._

_I still love you, sweet Lily. And I hope that wherever you are, they appreciate you as much as I did. And I keep my word - I will protect a child of yours. Even if he is not mine. Always._

_~ Severus_

Harry didn't know when he himself had started crying, but he knew his sobs had become audible when he read, _'He is the reason you are dead. If we had had our child, you would still be here with me.' _

Severus Snape wearily got to his feet and grabbed a bottle of fire whiskey out of a dusty cupboard, and flopped onto a threadbare old couch. He made a depressing, and depressed, drunk. Harry cried with him.

That was how the real Snape found him. When he took Harry's shoulder in a bruising, brutal grip, and yanked him around to face him, the overwrought, less than lucid child flung his arms around him and sobbed into the front of the man's robes. Snape went rigid, shock forcing out all anger; he hadn't been part of a hug since the day Lily had told him she was pregnant.

They fell out of the Pensieve like that; Harry still hugging him and shaking with the force of his sobs, and Snape still standing stock-still, neither rejecting nor returning it, unsure which option he even wanted to take. It was Harry-bloody-Potter, for Merlin's sake, but after fifteen years of no physical human contact what-so-ever, a hug felt _wonderful, _regardless of who gave it. If the _Dark Lord _had hugged him, he wasn't sure he would've pulled away.

"I-I could've had a big brother or sister. You could've been my dad. I could've had parents," Harry cried softly into his shirt. "Y-you were right, right about everything; right to hate me, right that my parents _were _awful people-I don't want to be like either of them! N-no wonder you're so h-horrible to us; y-you didn't get to have y-your o-own kids. . ."

Seemingly of their own accord, Snape's arms slowly wrapped around the teenager. "Very perceptive, Mr. Potter," he said shakily.


End file.
